HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

Thank God It’s Over!!

HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

Santa’s Bad Day!

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

He’s behind you.

Parents want busty fox sacked from puppet show

Angry parents want a big-breasted fox puppet removed from a children's theatre performance - because she is too sexy.

The fox features in the puppet show entitled Hedgehog House, at Zagreb Theatre in Croatia, in which a fox falls in love with a hedgehog - and finds herself dreaming of his sharp spines.

But theatre bosses are under pressure to drop the busty fox for being "inappropriate for small children".

Parents say the fox is too voluptuous - and believe the spine dreams carry sexual connotations.

Director Bozidar Violic said: "What is so unusual about a hedgehog that might give you a prick?

"That is why it has sharp spines. It is not my fault if some parents see something that does not exist in the show."

In the meantime the theatre has decided to change the story and have the fox no longer dreaming about the hedgehog's prickles.

A White Trash Xmas Video

This is very, very funny!!!!

Click here to play video

Monkey Business

Kung fu monkeys turn tables on trainer

A Chinese man who trained monkeys martial arts to entertain shoppers was shocked when they turned the tables on him.

Lo Wung's taekwondo monkeys have become a regular feature outside a shopping centre in Enshi, Hubei province, where they were trained to show off their martial arts skills on each other.

But one quick-thinking monkey saw his chance when Lo slipped - and caught him with a perfect flying kung fu kick to the head. The rest then joined in the affray.

Hu Luang, 32, who caught the incident on camera, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose.

"They were leaping and jumping all over the place - it was better than a Bruce Lee film."

At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.

Lo only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.

Horsing Around

In France, horse falling off restaurant menus

Many people love horses and traditionally, many French people have loved them even more with a side of salad.

That passion, however, has slowed to a trickle in the last couple of years as crisis-hit French consumers buy less meat and years of campaigning by animal rights groups take effect.

Looking to ram home their advantage, campaigners have launched a pre-Christmas blitz in Paris featuring posters of riding school ponies and graceful yearlings aimed at rending the hardest of hearts.

"Every year in France, riding school horses like Caramel are sent to the abattoir," says one poster by the Fondation Brigitte Bardot, featuring a photo of a perky grey pony reflected in a knife blade.

"It disturbs us that people continue to eat horses at all and we are going to go on campaigning until people stop eating it altogether," said Constance Cluset, a spokeswoman for the animal welfare group created by the former actress.

Last year, 15,820 horses were killed for their meat in France, of which over 7,000 were imported from abroad.

The group, whose campaign was timed to coincide with a horse fair, is pushing for a legislative bill to modify horses' legal status to companion from production-type animals such as sheep.

While horse meat is traditionally cheaper than other animals, the financial crisis has only pushed consumers to buy more chicken, according to French agriculture ministry figures.

Consumption of horse meat has fallen 12 percent in the last two years and currently makes up less than 1 percent of all meat consumed in France, the ministry said in a report.

And while only a few years ago horse meat was relatively easy to find, now it takes more time to track it down.

"Horse is indeed a French dish, but you'd be very hard-pressed to find it in any restaurants now," said the chef at restaurant Le Central in Paris, adding: "There's so much publicity against it."

Accounts vary on how France first took to eating equines.

Some historians say the country's appetite for horse meat dates from the Battle of Eylau in 1807, when the chief surgeon of Napoleon's army advised famished soldiers to feast on fallen horses on the battlefield.

The story adds that the cavalry cooked the trusted steeds using their breastplates as cooking pans.

………………clip…….clop…….chop………

Dead Drunk

Dead drunk policeman stripped of martyrdom

The Chinese police captain who named his subordinate a "martyr" after he died from a drinking binge has been suspended, the Shenzhen Public Security Authority said on Tuesday.

Traffic officer Chen Lusheng of the southern city of Shenzhen was off-duty when he attended a banquet with officials from Mabu village in late October. After repeated toasts, he vomited and passed out on a couch, where he suffocated, state media said.

His captain, Xie Feiyong, attempted to declare Chen a martyr, in order to get higher compensation for his family and possibly to avert any investigation into his death. He was suspended from duty on Tuesday, the Xinhua news agency said, citing the police.

The Shenzhen government information office did not immediately answer a query on the matter.

Shenzhen police told local media the policeman was a victim of China's infamous Chinese business banquet ganbei or "bottoms up" culture, where diners attempt to out-drink each other to gain concessions. They did not explain why Chen was attending the banquet in the first place.

Forced drinking is so widespread that workplace injuries regulations in the southwestern city of Chongqing were recently amended to classify deaths caused by drinking as "workplace accidents" bosses send staff out drinking for business.

Xie argued that Chen died in a work-related incident and that there was nothing wrong in wanting to leave behind a glorious legacy for his colleague.

The application for the posthumous honor was denied by the District Brigade, on grounds that Chen died neither in the line of duty nor during work hours.

Chen's family, who are demanding 4.8 million yuan ($703,200) in compensation, had camped out in the police station and set up a mourning hall there.

Look After Your Teeth

Cops hunt bad breath robber

Police in Detroit are looking for a bank robber dubbed 'the Bad Breath Bandit,' after his victims reported that one of his distinguishing characteristics was his foul-smelling breath.

Authorities in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale are looking for a bank robber who has struck twice at the same bank in the past few months - and who witnesses say is notable for his crooked yellow teeth and smelly breath.

The Detroit Free Press reported that the robber hit the same branch of the Charter One bank in October and again last week.

Lt. William Wilson says tellers remember the man as tall, thin and 'having very offensive breath and real yellow teeth.' Witnesses also say he looks and smells dirty.

Police say he showed bank employees a note that demanded money, and that he implied he had a gun - although tellers didn't actually see any weapon.

The suspect escaped with about $1,000 in the latest robbery.

MacLauder!!

Florida man jailed for rubbing wife with burger

A man was arrested in Florida for allegedly rubbing a burger in his wife's face while they were having an argument.

According to authorities in Port St. Lucie, 25-year-old Daniel Boss and his wife started having a row on Thursday night.

Things turned ugly when his wife poured soda over Boss's hamburger - prompting him to retaliate by rubbing the burger in her face and throwing other food at her.

Boss then left, but his wife went to the police station to report the burger attack.

He was arrested a few hours later on a charge of misdemeanor domestic battery.

Dog & Frisbee!!!!

Dog wants a frisbee

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's the reigning European dogfrisbee champion in training.

Karin Actun, who is currently the reigning German and European dogfrisbee champion, practices with her dog Ben in Duesseldorf, Germany, today.

Dogfrisbee, in case you're not familiar with this noble and ancient sport, involves dogs running after and catching frisbees thrown by their owners.

Actun is a five time German and European Champion, and won the World Championship in 2004.

…………..unbelievable…..No doubt it will be an Olympic sport in the future!!!!

For A Licking!

Cows lick, damage man's house

A man's homeowners insurance apparently doesn't cover "acts of cow."

Jerry Lynn Davis called the Hawkins County Sheriff's office in Tennessee on Thursday, complaining that a neighbour's cows had been licking his house. In the process, Davis says the curious bovines did about $100 in damage by ripping off a screen window, cracking the glass and pulling down a gutter.

The Kingsport Times-News reports that Davis' home is next to a fence enclosing the cows' pasture. They managed to poke their heads through to lick the house, though a deputy's report did not indicate what made the house so tasty.

Deputy Chris Funk was able to contact the cows' owner, who said he'd take care of the problem.

CRAP!!!!!!!!

'Poo Power' Leaves Water Firm Feeling Flush

It’s a load of crap!!

Thames Water has announced it generated enough energy from sewage to make a yearly saving on its electricity bill of £15m.

The company, which serves London and the wider region, generated renewable power from the solid waste produced by its 13.6 million customers.

The saving - equivalent to 14% of its power needs over 2008/9 - was made by burning sewage sludge or the methane derived from the solids.

Dr Keith Colquhoun, Thames Water's climate change strategy manager, said renewable energy sources were helping the company make "significant" progress towards its goal of cutting greenhouse gas emissions by 20% over the period 1990 to 2020.

"There's no polite way of saying this but what we produce - our poo - isn't simply waste, it's a great source of energy," he said.

"That's good news because we treat 2.8bn litres of sewage every day at our 349 sewage works.

"The solids in sewage have a high calorific content that we use to generate electricity."

Under one method of processing the sludge, energy was generated by drying sewage into blocks which were then burnt to generate power.

Alternatively, the waste was broken down through anaerobic digestion - whereby microorganisms process biodegradable material in the absence of oxygen - to create methane, which can be used as a fuel.

Once the sludge was processed, it was offered to farmers for use as fertiliser or to developers as a soil improver.

The scheme meant that every bit of sewage sludge was put to use, with none sent to landfill.

Not A Leg To Stand On

Wonky stork gets wooden leg

Dietmar the stork has ruffled feathers in the medical world - by becoming the first of his species ever to be fitted with a wooden leg.

The luckless bird lost his own leg flying into a power cable - so bird sanctuary bosses in Saxony, Germany, raised around £1,000 to have a prosthetic limb crafted by medical specialists.

'He gets on very well in the sanctuary with his new leg but he can't live in the wild any more so he's here with us for the rest of his days,' said keeper Rolf Arensberg

A Little Titillation!

Russian bride's revealing wedding dress is web sensation

A bride’s startlingly revealing wedding dress has become an internet sensation.

Originally posted on Wedinator a site dedicated to showcasing wedding photo disasters from around the world, the image has now been reposted on hundreds of blogs across the web.

The unnamed woman, believed to be Russian, is shown getting out of a limousine wearing a white dress, the top half of which consists of two small, strategically positioned semicircles over a dramatic embonpoint.

Predictably the internet’s fashion commentators have not been uniformly complimentary. One, the author of a blog post called “The Five Sluttiest Wedding Dresses”, describes it as “the equivalent of the groom wearing a codpiece”.

Others have wondered whether the choice of a white dress is perhaps misleading, while others make the inevitable puns: “They make a lovely pair” seems to be the most common.

Wedinator, which has been running since February, includes among its other catastrophic nuptials a video of a public proposal gone hideously wrong , and CCTV footage apparently showing a bride cheating with the groom’s best man during the reception.

Pass The Garlic!

World’s largest collection of Vampire killing kits

In the mid 1800s, vampire-fearing people traveling to Eastern Europe bought and carried with them, Vampire killing kits.

Containing items such as a wooden stake, a crucifix, a bible, garlic, various potions and even pistols with lead bullets, they offered the best protection possible from the blood-sucking undead.

Despite people nowadays being less likely to want to kill vampires - either thinking the don't exist, or (thanks to Twilight New Moon they) more likely to want to make them their soul-mate - demand has stayed high for the kits.

Some, which can be over 200-years-old, have sold for sums up to £10,000. But now Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museums have announced that they have the world’s largest collection of authentic Vampire killing kits, with 30 in total.

So, should the blood-sucking pale-faced ones start an uprising, you know where to find us. Click through to see some of the Vampire killing kits.

"Vampire kits are very rare. There are maybe a handful of them outside of Ripley’s and we’d like to acquire those as well," said Edward Meyer VP of Exhibits and Archives for the company-  who keeps an eye out for Vampire kits at auction, on eBay and at antique shops.
"They are very popular exhibits at our museums, especially now that there is so much interest in vampires in the media."

Horsing Around

Police 'consult warlock on horse plaiting'

Police in West Dorset have reportedly spoken to a "warlock" as part of their investigation into the plaiting of several horses' manes.

Owners initially thought that the plaiting could have been used to identify horses that would later be stolen, but none were taken, The Daily Telegraph reports.

PC Tim Poole said: "We have some very good information from a warlock that this is part of a white magic ritual and is to do with 'knot magick'.

"It would appear that for people of this belief, knot magick is used when they want to cast a spell."

He added: "Some of the gods they worship have a strong connection to horses so if they have a particular request, plaiting this knot in a horse's mane lends strength to the request.

"The fact that this rash of plaiting coincides with one of their ceremonial times of year adds weight to the theory. This warlock said it is a benign activity, albeit maybe a bit distressing for the horse owner."

However, pagan witch Phil Robinson said: "Some people play at Satanism and this may be related to people messing about, but it is worrying if people think it is related to paganism - we have a bad enough press as it is."

Rudolf’s Xmas Comes Early!!!

What…No Paper?????

Origin of Species found in British loo

A first edition of Charles Darwin's seminal book On the Origin of Species will be sold this week, after it was found in a family's toilet in southern Britain, an auction house says.

The book, which was first printed in 1859, was bought by a family for just a few shillings in a shop about 40 years ago, Christie's auction house says.

The family has since kept the work on a bookcase in the guest toilet at their home in the Oxford area.

The book will go under the hammer in London on Tuesday, to coincide with the 150th anniversary of the publication of the father of the theory of evolution's famous work.

The book, one of about 1,250 copies in the first print run, is expected to fetch 60,000 pounds ($108,277).

Margaret Ford, head of books and manuscripts at Christie's, says the book would have been a bargain when it was bought by the present owner.

"It's incredibly important," Ms Ford said

"He [the current owner] knew it was textually important.

"[But] he maybe did not know how much of a bargain he was getting," she said.

Christie's says the son-in-law of the current owners was at an exhibition on Darwin and spotted a picture of the spine of the work.

He realised the book in the toilet was something special, matching the binding of the work in the picture.

…………His subscription to Penthouse had run out!!!!

Just a Laugh!!

Have you heard the one about the couple who...

hey were looking forward to a good night out in Preston watching comedian Frankie Boyle.

But the last laugh was on David Wilson and his partner after they turned up for the gig one YEAR early.

Mr Wilson, 46, and partner Dawn Rapson, 48, travelled from Burtonwood, Warrington, for the show at the Guild Hall after buying tickets in July.
But their suspicions became aroused by a distinct lack of people outside the venue when they arrived last Wednesday.

After checking the tickets again and seeing Thursday, November 18 printed on them, they first thought they had the wrong day.

But after realising Wednesday was the 18th they then discovered it wasn't the day they had wrong, it was the YEAR.
And they weren't the only ones to get in a muddle – at least another six couples turned up too!

The couple went to the box office to check there had not been a printing error and were told by a security worker that six other couples had made the same mistake.

As they walked disappointed back to the car park, they ran into another couple who had made the same mistake.

And as they tried to give away their car parking ticket, which still had several hours to run on it, they discovered another couple thinking the show was this year.

A spokesman for the Guild Hall said Frankie Boyle's gig on November 18 2010 had sold out overnight.
She added: "When you get big comedians they book their tours so far in advance and they sell out overnight."

The Hungry Thief

Alleged bank robber 'may have eaten the evidence'

Police in Ohio say a bank robbery suspect may have eaten the evidence - after he was spotted munching a piece of paper, thought to be the note he used in the robbery, while handcuffed and lying across the bonnet of a police cruiser.

A police video camera captured 35-year-old John Ford of Cleveland grabbing the paper with his mouth as police emptied his pockets.

Ford was arrested following reports of a bank robbery in Streetsboro, just south of Cleveland.

Police say a man walked into the bank and handed a teller a note that demanded money.

Police say they found money in a bag in Ford's car, which fit the description of the bank robber's vehicle, along with a bank dye pack that had exploded.

Ford was held in jail.

………Obviously goy the “munchies”

Call The Police!!!!

Man arrested for calling 911, asking for sex

Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.

Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times.

He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

Tampa jail records show Basso is being held without bond but don’t indicate whether he has an attorney. He is listed as unemployed with arrests for theft and other crimes dating back to 2001.

Get your tits out New York

A lawyer has claimed that public nudity is permitted in New York after his client was cleared of charges stemming from a naked photoshoot in public.

Kathleen Neill, 26, had been charged with exposure, public lewdness and endangering the welfare of children after she stripped off for a shoot with photographer Zach Hyman at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the New York Post reports.

Tom Hillgardner said: "My argument is, you can go stark, raving, completely nude in Times Square, or Rockefeller Center or the Metropolitan Museum of Art."

He added that the children who witnessed the shoot had already been exposed to nude statues at the museum and exclaimed: "Perchance they looked at a boob!"

Hillgardner suggested that case law from 1992 and a 1995 legislative amendment have combined to outlaw only topless sunbathing and topless waitresses handing out promotional material.

They use to hang them!

Toothbrush thief faces 17 years in jail

A toothbrush thief faces between 17 and 23 years in prison, after the High Court recommended that he is deported back to the USA.

Under California's 'three strikes and you're out' law, Miguel Sanchez could spend the next two decades behind bars.

He is currently being held at Belmarsh prison after committing a number of crimes in the UK under the alias Zachary Tracey, including burglary and possession of prohibited drugs, weapons and ammunition.

In the USA, Sanchez is wanted in relation to an incident that occurred in September 2006 when he allegedly stole electric toothbrushes from a Santa Monica chemist.

During the robbery, the offender is said to have put a security officer in fear that he might use force or violence.

On Friday, two judges decided that European human rights laws could not save Sanchez from deportation back to the USA.

Lord Justice Moses said that the English courts should not interfere with the decision of "a democratic friendly state" to increase the prison terms of repeat offenders.

Watch What You Play With!!!!

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter

Some sexual experimentation landed a southern Maryland woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget.

Maryland State Police airlifted the 27-year-old woman to Prince George's County Hospital Center early Sunday morning after she was injured in an incident involving a sex toy attached to a saber saw blade, TheBayNet.com first reported.

The man who called 911 about the incident admitted attaching the sex toy to the saw and then using the high-powered, homemade device on his partner, according to the St. Mary's County Sheriff's Office.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

Santa’s Not Pleased

Elf ’n’ safety chops Christmas tree

A traditional Norway fir has been axed from a town’s Christmas plans amid fears it could be a danger.

he tree that normally costs £500 has been replaced by a £13,000 fake amid fears it would fall over in strong winds.

The new 10m (33ft) tall variety has no branches and decorations, is sturdier and doesn’t have to be cordoned off to keep people away, authorities claim.

But residents say it looks more like a gigantic traffic cone, a witch’s hat, an ice-cream cornet or even something out of Doctor Who.

And they questioned the cost during a recession, especially after officials scaled back the town’s Christmas lights.

‘I think it looks like something that has just landed from out of space. It looks nothing like a Christmas tree,’ said shopper Michelle James.

The tree is the brainchild of Poole’s town centre management board, an organisation made up of businesses and the council.

Although a real tree is about £500, it costs another £3,500 for specialists to decorate, light and install, officials said.

Richard Randall-Jones, the town centre manager, defended the new fake tree. ‘People think you can just go into the woods, chop down a tree and put it up in the high street. But if it blows over and kills someone then somebody is liable for it,’ he said.