The Terrorist Threat!!

Counter Terrorist Measures Around The World

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Annoyed" to "Let's get the Bastards".
They don't have any other levels and for this reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the colonies...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
"Oh no, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Arabs With The Move!!

A Bit Hot To Handle

Very hot chili lands teens in hospital

Officials in Germany say eight teenagers were hospitalized after a test of courage in which they drank chili sauce more than 200 times hotter than normal.

The Red Cross in the southern city of Augsburg says that 10 boys, aged 13 and 14, year drank the sauce Wednesday morning, apparently in school.

The German news agency DAPD quoted the Red Cross as saying the boys complained of feeling sick, and eight were taken to a hospital. They were to be kept in overnight for observation.

The Red Cross said that on the Scoville scale, which measures the hotness of sauce, the sauce measured 535,000 - compared to 2,500 for normal Tabasco sauce.

Up In The Air

Bumpy office ride

A US office worker attached 55 helium balloons to his work chair.

Jonathan Trappe flew 4,505 metres into the sky after tying dozens of the inflated objects onto the seat he uses everyday in the office.

Jonathan began his unusual trek near Raleigh airport in North Carolina.

He travelled over 100km during his three-hour journey before popping four balloons to lower him back to Earth.

He said: "The flight was very wobbly, especially in an average office chair.

"Every time you burst the balloon there follows a juddering shot."

Each balloon is strong enough to lift 6kg into the air.

…………another “15 minutes of fame” artist then!!!

Wash & Brush Up!!

Hungry, dirty burglar

A US burglar broke into a house to fry chicken, cut his hair and shower.

Police were called out to Grace Kraus' home in Easton, Pennsylvania after she found a man sitting in her living room watching her television while his dinner was cooking in the kitchen.

After refusing to leave the building, officers arrested him on charges of burglary, theft, criminal trespass and criminal mischief.

Searching Grace's home, they discovered the man had cut his hair in the kitchen, used her shower and stolen photographs off the walls.

Taking The “Piss”

Fox urine-spraying man arrested

An American man is facing charges after he allegedly sprayed a crowd of protestors and a police officer with fox urine.

The crowd were protesting outside The Front Room restaurant in Portland, Maine, over the restaurant's alleged violations of labour law - the restaurant owner is currently facing a lawsuit claiming he has violated regulations on wages and working hours.

According to police, the fox urine-spraying man lived in an apartment above the restaurant, although he did not work there. Police have theorised that he may have been annoyed by the protest happening below his residence, hence the fox-urine spraying.

Fox urine is often used as a repellent to drive other animals away from gardens. This presumably explains why the man just happened to have some fox urine lying around the spray the protestors with.

The man was arrested, and faces charges of assault.

“Free Speech”

MPs in mass brawl

More than 70 MPs punched and wrestled each other to the ground during a parliamentary brawl in Taiwan.

One member of the governing party even claimed he had been bitten by a member of the opposition during the scuffle in Taipai.

Violence broke out when legislators from the ruling Nationalist Party (KMT) and the opposition Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) failed to reach a consensus on changes to the Local Government Act.

"A violent conflict erupted in the process after the DPP had exhausted other means to stop the law," the ruling party said in a statement.

Three KMT legislators said they were hurt in the melee. The law passed after the brawl, reports the Daily Mail.

Although rows are not unusual in the seat of Taiwanese government, it was the first mass scrap in two years.

After starting a transition from dictatorship to democracy in 1987, the country is split between the two parliamentary factions.

In January 2008, the ruling Nationalist Party (KMT) had sworn off fighting when it expanded its majority and the overall number of MPs was reduced by half.

In 2004, one politician suggested MPs should be forced to take breathalyser tests before legislative meetings to prevent the frequent fist-fights.

But brawls in parliament are seen as one way for the opposition to show voters that it stands tough on issues.

A Rebel Without A Cause

'Rebellious' otter climbs 15ft tree

A member of an otter family in Gloucestershire has been accused of teenage rebellion after being photographed climbing a 15 foot tall tree.

The antics of Mo, one of a group introduced to the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Slimbridge last July, have become an attraction to visitors, BBC News reports.

John Crooks, mammal manager at the trust, said: "This is certainly very unusual behaviour for an otter. I think maybe she is going through some kind of teenage rebellion.

"Otters are strong mammals and she is climbing progressively higher each time so she seems to be very determined and headstrong."

He added: "Perhaps she just wants to be left alone or to have a bit of space from her younger sisters and up a tree is the best place for her to do it!

"She is certainly getting a bit of a following now that word has got around with visitors."

BUM'S RUSH

Eat Till You Drop!

Drug tests to catch pie cheats

Organisers of a world-famous pie-eating contest have been forced to introduce tests for performance-enhancing drugs.

The World Pie Eating Championships in Wigan bans competitors from using gravy as a lubricant, reports Sky News.

But organisers say some competitors have been using cough medicine to help the pies slide down instead.

They outlawed the substance for this year's event - held earlier this week - and warned that security would be carrying out spot checks.

Pauline Westwood, the manager of Harry's bar, which hosts the competition, said: "It's the dry tickly cough linctus that's the secret weapon for some - it lubricates the throat.

"We allow them to have pints of water on the table but that's it. We've booked a couple of big lads as security who'll be frisking people looking for medicine or anything else that seems dodgy."

Tests have shown that the cough mixture can knock two seconds off the time it takes to eat a championship pie.

This year's winner had no need for illicit aids. First-time entrant Barry Rigby took just 43 seconds to finish his pie.

The father-of-two from Beech Hill, Wigan, only entered the competition on a whim, after he saw it advertised in his local paper.

"I was really surprised to win, I think my two boys will be very proud of me," said Mr Rigby, 36. "The pie tasted great. I am a big pie fan, I eat between 10 and 20 a week at least."

Taxi!!

Man wanting ride to bar calls 911, arrested

Authorities say a Florida man who called 911 claiming he’d been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale would get him a ride to a bar.

Instead, 37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.

An arrest report says Oras called 911 three times before his arrest early Tuesday in Oldsmar, northwest of Tampa. He told the dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed people were shooting at him.

Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.

The report also says Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff’s deputy in the knees and a Taser was used to subdue him.

Online records show he is being held at the Pinellas County Jail but don’t indicate whether he has an attorney.

Small Beer

Reward for honesty is small beer

A Gateshead supermarket worker has been rewarded with a crate of beer - after paying back an extra £800,000 he received in his wages.

Stephen Foster, who works for the Co-op at Birtley, discovered the error when his girlfriend looked at his monthly payslip, reports the Daily Telegraph.

She saw he had been paid an extra £1.4m, meaning that an extra £800,000 - after deductions - had been paid into his bank account.

However, Mr Foster decided not to spend the money and instead contacted his employers to arrange repayment.

The Co-operative have now rewarded his honesty with a crate of Budweiser beer.

A friend of Mr Foster said: "I had a chat with Stephen, who showed me the payslip. You could see the deductions for tax on it.

"But he didn't touch a penny and made sure he gave it straight back."

A Co-operative spokesman said: "Due to a error in our wages department earlier this month, Stephen Foster, an employee at our Birtley regional distribution centre, received a monthly salary payment of £1.4 million.

"This was somewhat higher than he would normally expect, but thanks to his honesty and that of his girlfriend, the money was back with us within 12 hours of it being paid to him.

"We were surprised and concerned about our mistake but not by Stephen's exemplary behaviour, which is typical of him."

Cold Storage

Burglar found hiding in fridge

Police officers in Poland cracked a cold case when they finally found a burglar - hiding in a fridge.

The 48-year old crook, from Bytom in Poland, had broken into an office block but was spotted by a security guard and fled before police arrived.

Police then received a tip off he was hiding out in his mistress's apartment but a search showed no trace of him.

But just as officers were preparing to leave they heard sneezing - coming from inside the fridge.

When they opened the door of the fridge, they found Jerzy Jancewicz curled up and shivering.

"I don't know how long he'd been in there but he'd caught a cold as a result," said police spokesman Adam Jakubiak.

"Officers gave him a blanket and a pack of tissues before taking him away."

A Coffee To Go!

Stabbed man orders coffee

A stabbed US man ordered coffee while he waited for an ambulance to arrive.

The 52-year-old man walked into a cafe in Warren, Michigan with a 5ins knife sticking out of his chest while he waited patiently for the emergency vehicle to turn up and take him to hospital.

Restaurant employee George Mirdita said: "It was like out of a movie. It kind of freaked us all out here.
"The customers realised it and they were all turning their heads in disgust."

According to the staff member, the man never complained about being in pain as he waited patiently.
He told officers he was attacked after he refused to hand money over to a mugger.

Men & DIY

Most men can't even do basic DIY tasks

Modern men can't carry out simple DIY tasks such as rewiring plugs or bleeding radiators, it has been claimed.

More intent on pursuing a career than becoming a dab-hand at DIY means that younger British men are more likely to employ professionals to do menial jobs around the home.

But this is in stark contrast to thirty years ago, when dads were expected to do everything in the home themselves and carried the jobs out with ease.

A study of 3,000 blokes showed that 51 per cent of those in their twenties are incapable of rewiring a plug, compared to just 15 per cent of men over the age of 50.

Changing a light bulb also leaves 13 per cent of young men stumped… and means that "how many lightbulbs" jokes are no longer quite as funny.

And when it comes to bleeding a radiator - half of all men in their twenties would call in professional help, compared to 17 per cent of older men.

A spokesman for Screwfix, which conducted the poll, said: "Our research shows that some young men struggle to live up to the expectations of previous generations.
"The funny thing is that tasks such as putting up shelves and hanging pictures are so easy - if only men had the time to learn how to do them."

Drive-In???

Hungry driver crashes

A 92-year-old US man drove through the front of a restaurant before ordering breakfast.

Charles Pierce was on his way to the Biscuits 'N' Gravy and More eatery in Port Orange, when he is believed to have hit the accelerator instead of the breaks and crashed through the window into the busy diner.

After the accident Pierce calmly climbed out of his vehicle and placed his food order.

The accident is believed to have caused $25,000 in damage.

Once he had finished his meal, the pensioner was cited for dangerous driving.

Does It Go From Bad To Worse?????

Avatar hit by accusations of racism

Critics claims the story of a white US Marine who saves an alien race perpetuates the "white Messiah fable" and suggests that non-whites are primitives incapable of helping themselves.

Hundreds of blogs, YouTube videos and Twitter postings have sprung up on the subject since the film's release three weeks ago, with one writer dubbing the 3-D extravaganza "a racial fantasy par excellence".

David Brooks, a columnist writing in the New York Times, said: "Avatar is a racial fantasy par excellence ... It rests on the stereotype that white people are rationalist and technocratic while colonial victims are spiritual and athletic. It rests on the assumption that non-whites need the White Messiah to lead their crusades. It rests on the assumption that illiteracy is the path to grace.

"It also creates a sort of two-edged cultural imperialism. Natives can either have their history shaped by cruel imperialists or benevolent ones, but either way, they are going to be supporting actors in our journey to self-admiration."

…………….are these morons braindead or are they just self publicists??????…These people look for racialism in anything and delight in manipulating it to fit in with their own twisted ideology….They have “chips on their shoulders” so large that it must be interfering with the blood flow to their brains, if they have one!!!

Dodgy Xmas Jumpers

Dodgy Christmas jumper parties are a new trend

They used to be the scourge of Christmas, but the dodgy festive woolly jumper has now become a trend in its own right.

This year thousands of people are said to be holding Christmas jumper parties where guests have had to turn up in the worst X-mas fashions they have been gifted.

There are even dozens of websites advising people of ways to ironically celebrate ugly jumpers at their party and suggest jumper related games and drinks.
But because most people have traditionally thrown the dodgy Xmas sweaters away, they have had to go out and buy them.

However, it's worth remembering that if you are going to one of the parties this year, you might want to wait until you are there before putting it on. In public you look sad rather than ironic.

The Google Nexus One Phone!

PHEW…That’s Fine!

Speeding motorist fined $290,000

A millionaire motorist clocked up a record fine of 299,000 Swiss francs ($290,000) after Swiss police caught him racing through a village at 100 km per hour in his red Ferrari Testarossa

A court in the northeastern Swiss canton of St Gallen gave the millionaire the hefty penalty, which outstripped the previous record of 111,000 francs handed a Porsche driver in 2008 in Zurich, after a string of previous traffic offences.

"The accused ignored elementary traffic rules with a powerful vehicle out of a pure desire for speed," the court said in its judgment of the motorist, who clocked speeds of up to 137 km per hour on country roads, said daily Blick.

The St Gallen Cantonal Court ordered the man to dip into his 23.3 million franc fortune, which included a villa with a garage containing five luxury cars.

Court officials said they could not immediately confirm details of the case.

In October, St Gallen police pulled over another speeding motorist after he committed 15 traffic offences in 10 minutes, including driving on the hard shoulder, jumping a red light and failing to stop for police.

A “Tug” By Any Other Name!!

Callers for free tow directed to porn line

Oops, wrong number. Some New Year’s Eve revelers in Carlsbad who had a little too much to drink got a surprise when they called a toll-free number for a free tow home. Instead of assistance, they got instructions to call a second toll-free number that offered pornographic conversation. AAA Texas and New Mexico acknowledged the mistake and blamed it on a typographical error. Spokesman Dan Roman apologized to anyone who called the number and wasn’t able to take advantage of the tow offer

A Pipe Wench??

Man's penis 'freed from steel pipe'

Firefighters in Hampshire have assisted medical staff in freeing a man's penis after it got stuck in a metal pipe.

The man, aged around 40, gave no explanation to as to how his member became trapped when he went to Southampton General Hospital on Tuesday, PA reports.

Staff were unable to remove the aroused penis from the stainless steel pipe and called the Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

A fire service spokesman said: "Initially the crew did not have the appropriate cutting equipment to free the man.

"It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting."

He added: "It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."

A four-and-a-half inch grinder was eventually used to cut the pipe from around the penis in a procedure that took around 30 minutes.

“Mr Prisoner”

Prisoner sues over address

A British criminal has sued a prison for not calling him 'Mr.'

Bernard Pennington - who was jailed in 1983 after attacking his wife with a machete - tried to sue David Luckett, of the Independent Monitoring Board, for referring to him as "prisoner Pennington" in a letter.

The 63-year-old man had written to the board's voluntary chair, David Luckett, to complain about his treatment at the Kingston Prison in Portsmouth.

Mr. Luckett replied to the letter - because the Independent Monitoring Board keep an eye on the running of life at the prison - but failed to refer to him as 'Mr. Pennington'.

Pennington then tried to sue the 68-year-old chair for $483.

Mr. Luckett said: "It was a mischievous allegation and a waste of time and money."

Bat Out Of Hell!!

Hockey players kill bat during game

An American junior hockey team is under fire from animal rights activists for killing a bat that flew into its arena during a game.

Coach Jon Cooper of the Green Bay Gamblers in Wisconsin on Wednesday defended his decision to send three of his players to go after the bat with sticks in hand. The Gamblers were playing the Cedar Rapids RoughRiders on Tuesday night when the bat showed up.

Tori Perry of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says the team should have tried to net the animal and release it.

But Cooper tells WLUK-TV the incident has turned into "Batgate," and says his concern was protecting the players and the hundreds of fans in the arena from any threat of rabies.

…………..Just shows the intelligence of the “Tree Hugging Brigade”

Welcome To The Sunny Vendee!!!

 

Welcome to the “sunny” Vendee…YEH RIGHT!!!

Wolf Picie

Experts Cry Wolf Over 'Faked' Wildlife Pic

An award winning wildlife photo which scooped the year's most prestigious award and a cheque for £10,000 is being reviewed by judges after claims it was faked.

Spanish artist Jose Luis Rodriguez's image, called Storybook Wolf, is said to have broken rules by using a tame wolf rather than a wild one.

 

The rules of the competition, which attracted more than 43,000 entries, state that images of captive animals must be declared and that judges will give preference to images taken in "free and wild conditions".

Judges of the Veolia Environment Wildlife Photographer Of The Year competition are investigating claims the wolf pictured is actually one from a zoo near Madrid.

The Natural History Museum, which runs the competition with BBC Wildlife Magazine, said: "We are investigating this thoroughly with the Judging Panel and will report back in the New Year once our investigations are completed."

Mr Rodriguez strongly denies any wrongdoing or breach of the competition rules.

Suspicions were raised when wolf experts said that a wild animal would probably squeeze through the bars of the gate rather than jump over it.

Mr Rodriguez had told judges it took a long time to find the location let alone a wolf that would jump over the gate.

If found to have manufactured the photo Mr Rodriguez would be stripped of the prize.

…………Why can’t people grow up????? Talk about a childish playground attitude!!!!

Warm It Up!!!

Exploding car

An Austrian pensioner blew up his garage whilst trying to thaw his car.

The 71-year-old man was trying to defrost his vehicle's frozen radiator with a portable heater.

After turning it on, he returned to his home in Klagenfurt, Carinthia to wait for it to warm up.

However, according to police, the heater accidentally ignited a group of open petrol canisters next to it and blew the car and garage to piece.

Fortunately nobody was hurt in the explosion…but a passing herd of kangaroo “hoped it”

A Boob

Breast flasher run over by distracted driver

A teenager flashing her breasts in the middle of a New Zealand road paid for her drunken revelry when a distracted driver ran into her.

Cherelle Dudfield, 18, was dared to flash passing cars in the southern city of Invercargill after a night out drinking with friends.

She had exposed herself to a couple of cars from a strip in the middle of the road when the stunt went awry.

"I seen a car coming towards me on the centrelane, so I decided to run and I got hit," Dudfield told commercial television news.

She was taken to hospital but suffered only a few cuts and bruises after rolling over the bonnet of the car and cracking the windscreen.

The teenager was convicted this week of disorderly conduct and fined in an Invercargill court for her September exploits.

Dudfield said she had learned her lesson and had a message for anyone else considering a similar stunt.

"Don't be me, don't be stupid, don't get drunk and stand in the middle of the road and flash anyone because it hurts when you get hit."

Relatives! Who'd Have Them???

NEW YEAR CELEBRATIONS