A Dead End

Wal-Mart starts selling coffins online

Wal-Mart has started selling a range of coffins and urns on its website.

The US supermarket offers 14 different coffins at cheaper prices than many funeral homes, Sky News reports.

The 'Dad Remembered' steel coffin costs $895 (£541), while the 'Sienna Bronze' option is priced at $2,899 (£1,754).

The caskets are delivered within 48 hours and the website also offers consumers a range of urns.

However, Pat Lynch, president-elect of the National Funeral Home Directors Association, claimed that the prices aren't much cheaper than those at funeral homes.

He added that customers would miss the personal touch of a funeral director if they ordered coffins online.

"There's no question in my mind as a funeral director for more than 40 years that the most critical element is the human contact," he said.

‘Jack in a Box’

Bridegroom arrives at wedding in coffin

Bridegroom Pat Vincent marked the end of his bachelor days by arriving at his wedding in a coffin.

Then, after the tying the knot with Jacqueline Brick, the 44-year-old popped back inside his wooden box and was carried by train to the reception in Deptford, south-east London.

'It was brilliant,' he said.

……………..I hope he kept the box!

What A Knob!!!

Supermarket shoplifter who stuffed sausage in his shorts arrested

A man has been arrested after being spotted stuffing sausages in his shorts in a supermarket aisle.

The 38-year-old man was found in a local supermarket in Cairns, Australia. He had successfully stuffed his shorts with sausages and his pockets with other items and was trying to walk out the door unnoticed.

Unfortunately the supermarket workers noted that something was up and called the police on him.

He was arrested after his trousers were searched and the sausages were confiscated. Managers at the supermarket were keen to communicate to the public that the items had not been returned for sale.

The man appears to have been fairly unlucky as staff at the store are notoriously non-security conscious. In July shoplifters casually pushed trolley-loads of supplies out the door for two days in a row and weren't stopped.

Sort That Lawn

Lawn care is one of the dullest and most dispiriting things we have to do in the garden.

I know there are those – men mostly – who take vigorous pride in their perfect green sward, but most of us find the whole lawn business, from mowing through to scarifying, a real drag.

However, now is the time of year to get on with it and you will be rewarded in horticultural heaven.

First, rake to get rid of the surface thatch and debris. This is autumn so the debris in the form of falling leaves will keep on coming for a few weeks – so keep on raking. It is very good exercise so you can feel doubly virtuous while you are doing it.

Aeration also helps so dig in a fork all over the lawn to make holes right across its surface.

Then, for the real lawn enthusiast, now is the time to top dress the lawn. This involves spreading a mixture of good loam and sand across the area and brushing it in. It will improve the drainage and the vigour of the grass. It also helps to fill in minor hollows.

There are those who douse their lawns with weed-killers, but I don’t do that. I would rather have weeds.

However, I do dig out plantains and dandelions and repair the bare patches they leave behind at this time of year.

I can’t pretend I do it with much enthusiasm, but it all helps.

The invasive ground cover weeds like clover and selfheal – Prunella vulgaris – with its dark green leaves and purple flowers, I ignore.

Only a serious digging-over or a liberal application of poison would get rid of them and in my view, life is too short.

Almost more annoying than the weeds are the conspicuous grasses which grow faster and more coarsely than the rest and make the lawn look untidy just a couple of days after mowing.

A lawn weed-killer won’t touch them either because it will only knock out the broad leaved weeds.

Make your own decisions on these matters. It is your lawn and if you can live with its eccentricities, that is fine.

As long as there is plenty of green growth – whether weed or grass – then mowing it and trimming the edges will make it look pretty smart – particularly from a few feet away.

Autumn is also the time to feed the lawn with a balanced fertiliser.

In spring you use a nitrogen-rich feed but now you must use an autumn product designed to take the lawn into winter.

Damage repair works well at this time of year as the ground is warm enough for grass seed to take well.

And try to enjoy it. At least the warm autumn weather is helping to make hard labour a pleasure.

Not a leg to stand on!

Calf walks again on false legs

A calf who lost her two back hooves to frostbite is back frolicking in the fields of New Mexico - thanks to a pair of prosthetic limbs.

 

The calf, named Meadow, was found a few months ago by rancher Nancy Dickenson and her stepdaughter, Martha. She had lost both her rear hooves and half of her ears to severe frostbite. Having experience of rescuing animals, the Dickensons bought Meadow from her owner, and set about getting her back on her feet.

They persuaded veterinarians and students at Colorado State University to help her - and they obliged, amputating part of her hind legs and fitting her with prosthetics.

Dr. Robert Callan of Colorado State said he thought this was the first time a bovine calf has been given double prosthetics - the procedure is rarely carried out on animals which are generally destined for the slaughterhouse.

Not that Meadow is likely to end up on anybody's dinner plate soon - Nancy Dickenson said: 'A few people have asked "Is she going to be beef?" and I said "Are you kidding? This is my newest baby."'

Dancing Queen

Buttock-rubbing drink-driver tries to dance with cop

A woman has found out the hard way that, if you've been pulled over for drink-driving, trying to dance with the police officer and rubbing your buttocks on his leg won't actually stop him arresting you.

The woman's problems began when she pulled up close to where the excellently-named Sheriff's patrol deputy Randy Grob was doing some paperwork, in a church car park in Bayou George, Florida. The woman, whose eyes were red and weeping, rolled down her window and offered to survey Grob's home, and any other property he owned.

She then backed out into the road, forcing the traffic to stop, and drove off. Grob chased after her, and pulled her over. At this point, the woman told Grob that she 'knew what he needed', and promptly gave him a menu from a steak house.

Grob then spotted a pint bottle of vodka on the car's passenger seat, and a wine glass on the floor.

As other deputies arrived on the scene, the woman - identified as Verleen Anglin of Panama City - got out of the car and 'skipped' towards them.

Asked to stand on one leg as part of a sobriety test, the woman instead tried to dance with the officer. Grob wrote in his report that she 'began to 'dance with the stars,' grabbed me and twirled herself several times and attempted to rub on my legs using her butt.'

She was arrested, and charged with DUI.

Even More Bumper Stickers

“I may be a cold hearted and an unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it”
“How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS”
“I'm not an alcoholic, Alcoholics go to meetings, I am a drunk!”
“Don’t laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it!”
“Horn broke watch for finger”
“I'm not psychotic, I can’t read your mind.”
“Keep staring I might do a trick.”
“Chicks dig my ride.”
“I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time.”
“I didn't sell my soul to Satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal.”
“Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa.”
“I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.”
“I smile because I have no Idea what’s going on.”
“Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.”
“STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.”

“It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him.”
“If god wanted people to be queer he would have created Adam and Steve.”
“Ass, gas or grass no one rides for free.”
“Safe Sex Sucks So Screw Someone Special.”
“If you're gonna ride my ass, could you at least pull my hair!?”
“Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doin!”
“Who Lit the Fuse on YOUR Tampon??”
“Maybe you could driver better if that phone was up your ass?”