The Terrorist Threat!!

Counter Terrorist Measures Around The World

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Annoyed" to "Let's get the Bastards".
They don't have any other levels and for this reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the colonies...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
"Oh no, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Arabs With The Move!!

A Bit Hot To Handle

Very hot chili lands teens in hospital

Officials in Germany say eight teenagers were hospitalized after a test of courage in which they drank chili sauce more than 200 times hotter than normal.

The Red Cross in the southern city of Augsburg says that 10 boys, aged 13 and 14, year drank the sauce Wednesday morning, apparently in school.

The German news agency DAPD quoted the Red Cross as saying the boys complained of feeling sick, and eight were taken to a hospital. They were to be kept in overnight for observation.

The Red Cross said that on the Scoville scale, which measures the hotness of sauce, the sauce measured 535,000 - compared to 2,500 for normal Tabasco sauce.

Up In The Air

Bumpy office ride

A US office worker attached 55 helium balloons to his work chair.

Jonathan Trappe flew 4,505 metres into the sky after tying dozens of the inflated objects onto the seat he uses everyday in the office.

Jonathan began his unusual trek near Raleigh airport in North Carolina.

He travelled over 100km during his three-hour journey before popping four balloons to lower him back to Earth.

He said: "The flight was very wobbly, especially in an average office chair.

"Every time you burst the balloon there follows a juddering shot."

Each balloon is strong enough to lift 6kg into the air.

…………another “15 minutes of fame” artist then!!!

Wash & Brush Up!!

Hungry, dirty burglar

A US burglar broke into a house to fry chicken, cut his hair and shower.

Police were called out to Grace Kraus' home in Easton, Pennsylvania after she found a man sitting in her living room watching her television while his dinner was cooking in the kitchen.

After refusing to leave the building, officers arrested him on charges of burglary, theft, criminal trespass and criminal mischief.

Searching Grace's home, they discovered the man had cut his hair in the kitchen, used her shower and stolen photographs off the walls.

Taking The “Piss”

Fox urine-spraying man arrested

An American man is facing charges after he allegedly sprayed a crowd of protestors and a police officer with fox urine.

The crowd were protesting outside The Front Room restaurant in Portland, Maine, over the restaurant's alleged violations of labour law - the restaurant owner is currently facing a lawsuit claiming he has violated regulations on wages and working hours.

According to police, the fox urine-spraying man lived in an apartment above the restaurant, although he did not work there. Police have theorised that he may have been annoyed by the protest happening below his residence, hence the fox-urine spraying.

Fox urine is often used as a repellent to drive other animals away from gardens. This presumably explains why the man just happened to have some fox urine lying around the spray the protestors with.

The man was arrested, and faces charges of assault.

“Free Speech”

MPs in mass brawl

More than 70 MPs punched and wrestled each other to the ground during a parliamentary brawl in Taiwan.

One member of the governing party even claimed he had been bitten by a member of the opposition during the scuffle in Taipai.

Violence broke out when legislators from the ruling Nationalist Party (KMT) and the opposition Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) failed to reach a consensus on changes to the Local Government Act.

"A violent conflict erupted in the process after the DPP had exhausted other means to stop the law," the ruling party said in a statement.

Three KMT legislators said they were hurt in the melee. The law passed after the brawl, reports the Daily Mail.

Although rows are not unusual in the seat of Taiwanese government, it was the first mass scrap in two years.

After starting a transition from dictatorship to democracy in 1987, the country is split between the two parliamentary factions.

In January 2008, the ruling Nationalist Party (KMT) had sworn off fighting when it expanded its majority and the overall number of MPs was reduced by half.

In 2004, one politician suggested MPs should be forced to take breathalyser tests before legislative meetings to prevent the frequent fist-fights.

But brawls in parliament are seen as one way for the opposition to show voters that it stands tough on issues.

A Rebel Without A Cause

'Rebellious' otter climbs 15ft tree

A member of an otter family in Gloucestershire has been accused of teenage rebellion after being photographed climbing a 15 foot tall tree.

The antics of Mo, one of a group introduced to the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Slimbridge last July, have become an attraction to visitors, BBC News reports.

John Crooks, mammal manager at the trust, said: "This is certainly very unusual behaviour for an otter. I think maybe she is going through some kind of teenage rebellion.

"Otters are strong mammals and she is climbing progressively higher each time so she seems to be very determined and headstrong."

He added: "Perhaps she just wants to be left alone or to have a bit of space from her younger sisters and up a tree is the best place for her to do it!

"She is certainly getting a bit of a following now that word has got around with visitors."

BUM'S RUSH